Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
