Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
