Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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