I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize