Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
