In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I look better un-naked...
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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