If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
