i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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