So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
the night ended with taco bell and tears
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
