I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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