tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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