I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
