addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
