Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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