Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
