A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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