im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
