just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
