I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize