can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
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