he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
