sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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