She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Green mimosas i think yes
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
