I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
