They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
