im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize