I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
