Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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