You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
