That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
