My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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