i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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