You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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