a queef is a wish your heart makes.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
