so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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