i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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