NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
