If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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