new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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