happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
