Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
