As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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