At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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