He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
