If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
