Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
