I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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