whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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