I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
