My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
