Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
