take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
