time to smoke my breakfast
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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