i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
someone owes me an orgasm
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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