Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
