Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
