hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
