We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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