I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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