**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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