i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
