i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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