you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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